3 "Hidden" Red Flags Your Man Won't Commit

February 22, 2020

Have you been dating a guy for a few months and things are going alright...but you’re still not sure where you stand? 

Maybe you’ve spent hours on the phone with your best friend pouring over every  detail of your last few dates to determine if he wants a relationship. Or finally, you got tired of pulling your hair out and hit him with the “What are we?” conversation  - and he ignored you, talked in circles, or changed the subject altogether. 

After over a decade working as a dating coach to ambitious women, I have come up with the ultimate ways for you to know if the man you’re dating isn’t interested in a long-term commitment. This is going to help bring to light if you are dating a high-quality man or if the man you are dating is not respecting you the way you deserve.  

Let’s get into the red flags to look out for to know if he’s not ready to commit. 

1. Everything Is On His Terms 

Long-term commitment

Relationships are all about compromise. And if the man you’re dating makes everything on his terms, it’s time to start thinking about if he is worth keeping around. 

So, what exactly does “everything on his terms” mean? It means he wants to see you, but only when it is convenient for him. Let’s say he gets off work at 11:00 PM every night and he rings you up asking if he can come over. Not only does he know you wake up at 6:00 AM, but he knows you’re going to be sleeping and he’ll wake you up when he calls. He doesn’t care about how this makes you feel. He is only thinking about himself and HIS time. 

Maybe he asks you to hang out thirty minutes before instead of making set dates with you. Or only asking you to meet up once every 10 days when he feels like having you around (and wants to sleep with you again). 

You should never be on the back burner. A guy who wants to be in a long-term relationship with you will be excited to see you, offer up several days of the week when he is free, and plan cool dates to catch your attention. Don’t settle for any last-minute booty calls or even an 8:00 PM text inviting you to his house for take out. Remember, you are an amazing, successful woman - and he will only treat you like it if you treat yourself like it first.

Everything on his terms also means he doesn’t take your likes or interests into account.

Let’s say you told him you love art exhibits and wine tastings. And yet, he takes you to play paintball. Let me be clear: this isn’t a date for YOU, it’s a way to do something he wants to do while trying to look like he is spending enough time with you to get you to go home with him.

High-quality men want to impress you. Immature men only want to fulfill their own needs. They don’t care what you want. So, they pick a date they know they would like - without ever considering if you would like it. 

Another example of this could be that you’re a vegetarian and he takes you to a steakhouse or you tell him you hate scary movies but when you get to the movie theater he says the only movie he wants to see is a horror film and he won’t pay to watch anything else. 

Look if he is willing to compromise and cares about how you feel. If he doesn’t, it’s a major red flag- and he’s not the kind of man you should continue seeing. 

For years, I’d take Kathy (my wife) out to breweries even though I didn’t drink beer.  I knew she loved craft beer and I wanted to be the person to go with her to experience the things she enjoyed.  I wanted to be with her long-term and show her that I can be a source of fun and fulfilling activities.

2. He’s Hot and Cold

Relationship advice

Are you dating someone who showers you with compliments when you are together...then disappears for a week at a time? This man isn’t interested in a long-term relationship.

Sometimes men like a woman - or like sleeping with her - and they know the way to get her to stay around for a while is to tell her what she wants to hear. 

Some men will even go so far as to make promises they have no intention of keeping. Maybe he will talk about how he can’t wait to take you out on his boat with his family this summer. Then the summer comes and he says he doesn’t have any time to go out on the boat - but he can, of course, come over to your house for a while if you’d like. 

It can be really hard to accept that a man you like or even love is manipulating your emotions for his advantage. But as they say, the proof is in the pudding. And if his words are saying one thing, and his actions aren’t - it’s because he isn’t serious about being in a relationship. 

One of my clients, Nicole, told us about a guy she had been in a “hot and cold” relationship with for years. Of course, he would never put a label on their relationship, but they went on dates around once or twice a week and slept together. At first, they went to nice restaurants and interesting places. But after a few weeks, he only wanted to meet up at his or her place. 

When they were together, he told her she was the most incredible woman he has ever met and he admired how she was a strong woman. Then...he would have almost no contact with her until he wanted to see her again. Nicole found herself constantly checking her phone and lighting up when he would send her a “How are you?” text after a few days of not hearing a word from him. 

All the sudden, strong, independent Nicole was surviving off breadcrumbs from this guy - and allowing it. So, how did it end after four years of seeing this man? He told Nicole he couldn’t talk to her anymore because he was getting married! Turns out, he had been dating around the entire time they were together. Of course, he reminded her “We were never boyfriend and girlfriend.” Nicole was shocked, hurt, and humiliated. She wondered why he didn’t choose her to be his bride. 

With the help of our coaching program, Nicole learned that this isn’t the type of man she would want to marry in the first place. She should look for someone who shows her she matters every day - not just makes her feel good when they are together.

3. He Refuses to Put a Label On It 

man carrying woman wearing white dress during sunrise

It’s possible you have asked the man you are dating, “Where is this going?” If he responded with, “I really like you. And I love what we have together. Let’s not put a label on it.” Or “Let’s not make things complicated - we already know how we feel about each other.” In “man” this translates to, “I like you, but I don’t want a relationship with you.”

A lot of men won’t straight out say they don’t want a relationship - because they are afraid you won’t keep seeing them again. So, instead, they string you along for months or maybe even years with the hope that someday he will settle down with you - while in the meantime, he is dating other women. 

Don’t let anyone spin you in circles with BS. A high-quality man will know exactly what he wants from a partner and show you that by making you a priority and asking you to be his partner. No games. No stringing you along. Real commitment. 

He will be proud to show you off to the world as his partner. And never make you feel like he is embarrassed by you or come up with excuses for why you can’t meet his friends or family. 

Your time is important. And you deserve to know exactly where you stand with a future partner. Don’t let him make you feel bad for rightfully wanting to know where you two stand after you have spent a good amount of time together. 

When I was dating Kathy, I knew I wanted to be in a long-term commitment with her after only a few weeks. She was so different than any other woman I had dated. I wanted her to know she was important to me and I imagined our future together. And of course, I wanted to snatch her up and couldn’t handle the idea of her being with another man.

This is how the man you are dating will feel if he wants a long-term commitment with you. Being with anyone but you is out of the question. He will know you are the only person he wants to be with - and he will make it known to you.”

In Conclusion 

Now that you know the three ways to know he doesn’t want a long-term commitment, you can use this knowledge to evaluate how the man in your life is acting and see if he is taking your relationship seriously or playing around with your emotions. 

I know that if you are reading this article you are an ambitious woman who will stand up for herself if you are not being treated right. You are strong, smart, and deserve someone who loves you, respects you, and shows you that you are important to him. 

If the man in your life is showing these red flags, it might be time to consider that he isn’t the one for you - and that can be hard. But I want you to know, there is someone out there who will feel more than lucky to call you his partner and want the whole world to know he is with you. This is the kind of relationship you deserve. And I know you can have it if you get rid of the man who doesn’t treat you right after the first few red flags pop up. 

If you want more support and step-by-step guidance through this process, click here to learn more.

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