You’ve gone on a few dates with a guy or maybe even have been seeing him for months. Then all of a sudden, he doesn’t reply to your texts or calls.
You start to worry. Did he get hurt? Did one of his parents die? Did a meteor fall from Earth and happen to land on the one guy you’re dating?
Then you see him post a story on social media. So, he’s not dead. Actually, he looks like he’s doing great.
Weeks go by, and you haven’t heard from him. Until one day, he pops back into your life. He sends you a, “Hey stranger, how have you been?” text - as if he wasn’t the one who made himself a stranger in the first place.
You think, “This guy has a lot of nerve.” Then the devil and angel on your shoulders get into a fight. Should I tell this guy off? Maybe he has a good excuse and I’m being judgmental? Should I be casual and relaxed to let him know his disappearance didn’t affect me (even though it did)?
Unfortunately, ghosting (when a guy vanishes from the relationship without warning) is so common these days. In fact, a 2018 study of 1,300 people found that about a quarter of the participants had been ghosted by a partner, while one-fifth reported that they had ghosted someone themselves.
Even though this situation is maddening, you don’t have to feel completely out of control. Because I am going to show you exactly how you should react when the guy who ghosted you seemingly arises from the dead asking you, “What's up?”
If you’re experiencing the return of a ghoster, here is what you need to do.
Ariana Grande is a popular singer who came out with the song, “Thank U, Next” after her breakup with her fiance was publicized.
The song is all about being thankful for the time you spent with your ex and moving on from the relationship by focusing on yourself.
I encourage you to check it out.This is the exact kind of mentality you need to hone when it comes to a guy who ghosted you and appears back in your life out of nowhere.
This person hurt you, maybe even manipulated you, and left without an explanation.
You deserve better.
I know it’s tempting to want to scream at this guy and tell him, “How dare you sleep with me, disappear then come back without so much as an explanation!”
His actions were hurtful and immature. But you have no helpful choice other than rising above his behavior...because you are above that. You have dignity and respect yourself and your time. And you’re not going to waste a single breath or spend hours typing out a sassy response approved by your friends in your group chat.
Why? First of all, it won’t work. He’s not going to all of a sudden feel bad about what he did and instantly become a better person. You can’t change him. And even if you could…
He’s simply not worthy of your precious time. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
He has shown you through his actions he doesn’t have your best interest in mind. He’s disregarded your feelings. Even if he isn’t aware that what he did was wrong, that doesn’t change the harm he did.
I hear a lot of women saying, “Well, I want to tell him how him ghosting me really hurt me so he learns his actions have consequences and won’t treat another person this way in the future.”
I understand the temptation to do this. But don’t think for a minute a guy ever thought it was right or good or kind to stop talking to you without an explanation. This is a grown man. He’s not dumb. He knows what he did was messed up. And he did it anyway. No matter how compelling of a text message you send him, he’s not going to be a changed man after reading it.
So, I want you to take a step back and be logical here. You’re not his teacher, his parent, or his therapist. You don’t have to be responsible for teaching this guy emotional intelligence, respect, or decency. You don’t need to carry this weight. His baggage isn’t yours to carry. Let him figure out how to become a better person on his own. He’s not your responsibility.
If this guy texts you a few weeks or months after vanishing so casually like, “Hey, how are you?” - I know you might be tempted to over analyze this.
It’s strange and confusing. WHY did he stop talking to you in the first place - only to come back?
Well, there could be several explanations. But honestly - whatever the reason is, it doesn’t matter. It might feel so frustrating, especially if it took you a while to get over this guy and his reaching out opened up healed wounds.
But I want you to stop this thought process and focus on yourself. I want you to be living such a great life and be so happy with who you are that when this guy texts you or calls you, you laugh it off and say, “Ya right” and not even teeter back and forth about responding. Delete his text message and move on with your life. Don’t let this guy hold your sanity hostage.
Now, maybe you’re saying, “But I’m not happy with dating life and this guy seems really great.” We’ve all been there before. Where we’ve placed other people on a pedestal.
There was a time in my life when I was overweight, alone, and never even imagined a woman would want to date me. It took working on myself and disciplined actions to get myself out of that rut. And trust me, it wasn’t easy. But for someone to really love you and be a great partner to you, you need to love yourself first. This will help you in all aspects of your life. And it will make you a strong, empowered woman any high-quality guy would feel lucky to have.
So, start by thinking about what you can do to focus on yourself to make yourself feel more love and connection. Maybe this is spending more time with friends or family, finally sitting down to do that project you’ve been putting off, or helping others. Think about what makes you happy, and do more of it.
And know that there are millions of other men out there in the world. In a few months or a year from now, you probably won’t even remember this guy. You’ll have saved yourself from the heartache you would have experienced if you replied to him. You know deep down he isn’t the right guy for you. So make the choice to choose yourself. You’re worth it.
Now, there is a single exception to the rule here. If you’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks and he reaches out to you with a heartfelt, genuine message or phone call as to why he disappeared, you might consider responding. Let’s say he experienced a death in the family, a significant loss in some way, or had something serious happen.
His message should show he’s sincerely sorry for having not responded to you and that he wants to make it up to you. If you’ve decided you moved on and you don’t want this man in your life, feel free to not respond or send him a simple message saying, “Sorry to hear that. I’ve moved on now. I wish you the best.”
If you feel like he’s worth another chance and you really like him, let him know you’re sorry to hear about his circumstances and you’re willing to give him another shot but you want to take things slow this time. Then watch his actions.
Don’t go on another date with him and then sleep with him that night. In fact, make him wait a few weeks - even if you’ve already slept with him in the past. He’s going to have to earn back your trust. If he’s a good guy, he’ll understand you want to take things slow. And if he makes a big deal about it and gets angry, he’s not the one for you. You don’t need someone angry, petty, and hurtful in your life. You want to be with a man who respects your boundaries and understands your hesitation. This is the kind of man who is worth giving a second chance.
Now that you know how to react when someone ghosts you and seemingly arises from the dead, you’ll be more empowered than ever to make a decision that best serves you.
You can focus on yourself, move on from someone who hurt you, and stop thinking about men who don’t deserve your time or energy. If you decide he’s worth a second chance ONLY if he has a solid excuse and follows up with his actions, you might just find yourself with someone who turns out to be great for you.
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