When a man starts to date a woman, he will often test her to see how she responds in certain situations. This is how a man tests her boundaries to see what he can get away with.
If you are too easy-going, he may take advantage of that and it could also be a turnoff for him because there is no challenge.
If you're boundaries are too strict, he might feel like he's not able to let go and have any fun.
Finding out when a man is testing you and how to respond will help ensure that you're starting every relationship off on the right foot. Here are some critical ways men test woman how you can create dating boundaries to foster a healthy relationship.
Sometimes it's conscious. Other times it's subconscious.
They don't even know that they're doing it but one thing is for sure- how you respond to these tests will set the entire tone of the relationship.
So it's very important to understand what's going on when you're being tested and what you can do to respond appropriately in a way that will build attraction and help you to be fully respected in the way that you deserve to be.
Responding to a man's tests in the proper way is going to ensure that he is looking at you as a long-term partner. Men are usually not in a rush to settle down and they want to make sure that when they do, it's with the right person.
So when you see yourself being presented with one of these tests, make sure that you respond appropriately.
Before we get into each tests, you need to understand that they are often designed in a way to break down your value and allow a man to get whatever he wants, in a selfish way.
You need to be able to spot these tests and let him know that he's pushing your dating boundaries. You don't ever want to cross your standards and go below the threshold of what you need and who you are. When you do this, you remain a high-value woman.
Now the first test is probably the most common which is the sexual test. This is one of the most common and important boundaries in dating.
A man will test you to see how quickly he can sleep with you. He may even test to see what percentage of the relationship can be spent just fulfilling his sexual needs versus building an intimate relationship.
There are two ways he does this.
He's constantly escalating physically, or he's escalating sexual tension verbally.
This can mean:
-Touching you - like moving closer to you or even trying to kiss you.
-Entering your personal space - puts his arm around you
-Escalating verbally- Says things that are flirtatious and sexual really early on.
If he says things that are flirtatious and sexual really early on maybe even before you met like over an online dating site or over the phone, these are red flags.
If a guy is trying to be that polarizing before you even meet and if you're looking for a lifelong committed relationship you should be very cautious.
So how do you pass the sexual test?
It's very simple.
Basically you hold yourself to your own standards and you don't allow his escalation to go past any point where you don't feel comfortable.
That may sound simple, but I know it's not easy. This is a huge issue with women.
As a dating coach, I speak with so many women who feel pressured, and they don't want to seem like a prude, or they don't want to kill the mood.
So they allow the escalation even though they didn't really want it or felt like it was too soon.
This is very important. A high quality man is someone that you're going to want to spend the rest of your life with. He is going to have to respect you and care about you and desire for you. He wants you to have standards and dating boundaries, and he is willing to respect them.
That's key.
You only want to be with someone who considers your comfort. You don't want to be with someone who's going to try to make you feel uncomfortable or who doesn't care about how you're feeling. Especially if it's just, so he can fulfill his own sexual needs.
That is someone that you want to run away from.
So if a guy is pushing you or making you feel bad because you're waiting too long for him, or he's trying to make you feel like you're slow - that's NOT how dating is.
That's a guy who's basically using shame or guilt or manipulation to get you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable for his own sexual gratification. And that is not someone that should not be attractive to you, period.
Now that you know how to set a sexual boundary, the next thing is to determine if the relationship is heading in the right direction.
You must ask yourself: do I only see him late at night? When he comes over, do we say hi for a minute and then all of a sudden we're getting physically intimate?
Do we spend time outside with friends or social circle doing things that are that are not physically intimate?
What percentage of time are we spending together intimate versus in other activities?
And is that OK with me is that what I'm looking for?
If you're relationship revolves around physical intimacy, then more than likely you're being used and it's important that you are getting what you want out of it.
If that's just what you want out of it that's great as long as you're fulfilled. But it's important to be aware of what your needs are. You must make sure you don't give and give without your own needs being met.
It's just like taking the oxygen mask on an airplane - we have to make sure that we are filled in a relationship because if we're not filled we have nothing left to give to the other person. Giving too much in a relationship and not setting dating boundaries can also harm our relationships with family and friends because we're so focused on the romantic part of our lives that we neglect everything else.
The next test is the sarcasm test.
The root of the word sarcasm is "stark" and that literally means tearing into the flesh, doesn't sound very nice does it! Now I realize that sarcasm can be very funny. Even I struggle with being overly sarcastic at times, I can tell you that!
But there is a humor boundary that you don't want him to cross.
If a guy says something to you that's not nice, you can tell him that wasn't nice. Like if he's teasing you or if he's kind of doing little criticisms about you but he's masking it in a joke, that's still hurtful.
If he says "I'm kidding, I'm kidding, lighten up" then that is a red flag. That is him not respecting your dating boundary. He's testing you at this point whether you realize it or not.
Even worse, if you just laugh along and don't say anything, that's basically training him that he can treat you in that way.
If you let things slide that are hurtful, you're training him that he can say things that are not nice as long as he masks it as a joke.
And that's not OK.
I encourage you to stop it and to let him know. Don't laugh at the joke. You can even ask him to explain the joke because you didn't get it. If he has to explain an insult or a hurtful comment, it will make him look really silly.
When he's done explaining it, you can say that you don't think that's funny.
Encourage him to stay positive. Tell him: "I like it when you say nice things to me. I like it when you joke in a nice way where you're being nice to me."
If you laugh along at sarcastic comments that are mean, that can quickly turn into disrespect and even emotional abuse. This is one of the most common tests in our society and one that often gets overlooked because it seems so "harmless".
And when a relationship starts getting a little bit rocky many times it can begin with sarcasm. The couple will just get more and more sarcastic with one another because it's a passive aggressive way to communicate with a partner. So keep an eye out for that and don't let yourself enter a relationship where this becomes the norm.
The third way men test you is with the consideration test.
This is a very simple.
This is just how he treats you. Is he treating you with care with consideration? Is he thinking about your needs? Is he being empathetic or are most of his actions based around his own self-centered needs his own self-centered desires?
This is really important.
You deserve a man who's going to be kind and considerate. Thoughtful and chivalrous. Someone who's going to be nice and sweet.
Maybe he talks a big game, but the bottom line how is he treating you.
Like I said earlier we train people how to treat us. Imagine a woman that you value most in this world. How would you like her to be treated? Why should you be treated any differently than this?
If he's not treating you to that standard then look at the relationship and ask Is this really what's best for for me? No, it's not. Your dating boundary has been crossed.
You deserve to be treated with care and consideration. And that's the time you draw a boundary and say this isn't working. If you can follow these three tests which at the end of the day are about increasing your standards and not allowing people to treat you in a way that you don't deserve to be treated as long as you can keep standards up.
Are they interested one day and then gone the next?
If you’d like to learn more about how to read a man’s emotions, check out my free presentation called “Inside the Male Mind”. You’ll learn a lot about what it takes to get inside a man’s head. Click here to learn more.
Thanks for checking out my article on boundaries in dating! Be well.