3 Signs You're Being Used

December 23, 2021

Have you ever been dating a guy and things are going great…. Maybe you feel a strong, emotional connection, but a small piece of you is thinking in the back of your mind…

Maybe this guy is using me.

Well, here are three signs that he may actually be using you and exactly what you can do about it.

1. You sleep together or hook up every single time you're together.

There's a great saying that just encapsulates what we as humans really value:

The best indicator of what we value is what we spend our time on.

You should use this as a guide on what your man really values about you. And if every single time that you get together, there's always a hookup then you have to start asking yourself:  

  • What is this guy actually invested in?
  • Are you just a short term strategy to get his rocks off?
  • Or are you someone that he's looking to invest his time and energy and build a real solid foundation?

Because a solid foundation is built on more than just sex. And oftentimes when you bring sex into it every single time that you get together, there is a strong chemical expectation. It becomes like an addiction because each time you see him you're getting those chemicals that are rushing through you.

And constant emotional rushes of good feelings is just not how life works. Life has lots of challenges, lots of grit and lots of hard work. And if you're looking for a partner who can really sustain throughout all of that, who can be with you through the good times, and through the bad times, you don't want to train him that every single time with you is going to be an instant hookup.

So what do you do about it? Well, you don't wanna bluntly say to him:

“I don't wanna hook up with you this time. Show me that you're into more than just sex"

…because that's basically just tipping him off. That's just giving him the instruction book on how to keep playing you. And you don't want that!

What you wanna do is figure out if he really is interested in you and wants to do other things with you…

So just throw a little hint out there of places that you'd like to go or things you'd like to see. And the next time you're on a date, make very clear that you're not gonna be able to go somewhere with him that’s secluded and private.  

And this is the key…See if you can make plans where there's no potential for you and him to be secluded, no chance for a hookup. The more time that you can spend with him without hooking up, you're gonna learn a different side to him. And you're gonna experience what he's like when he doesn't have that sexual incentive.

2. Your time with him is separate from his day to day "real" life

In other words, you, and the time you spend with him, is compartmentalized in a little box away from his work, his family, his friends, his hobbies. And what this means is you are someone he travels to. And from 2 to 3 PM, he meets up with you. Or maybe you only see him on weekend evenings, Saturday night for four hours. If he keeps you in a little compartment and you rarely intermix with the rest of his schedule, then you don't actually know what's going on in his everyday life.

Now, the problem with this is… a lot of our clients have come into coaching and discovered that a guy that they thought they were in a committed relationship with it… It  wasn't really a committed relationship. And they were actually just his Thursday night hookup or his Thursday and Tuesday night hookup.

In certain situations, its not so cut and dry. Maybe this guy's schedule is so busy that you can only fit in those certain times, but you have to ask yourself, what kind of relationship do you want? Do you want a compartmentalized relationship where you're just in a specific chunk of time in his life, or do you want to be integrated and immersed?

What you're looking for here (usually!) is more integration. More time spent together through his different activities, where he's bringing you along in his life as a partner, rather than just visiting the hookup island with you for three hours a week. So all you have to do, if you don't just wanna be a compartment buddy, is stop making yourself available for sex.

You're only available for different activities…like going out and hanging out with his friends or for him taking you somewhere new or special. And if he doesn't invite you, if he doesn't integrate you into his life, well then guess what? You're just a hookup. And he doesn't truly value you. A man who truly cherishes you is going to work a lot harder to integrate you into his life, to show you how you can be great partners and live day to day.

3. You feel like you're being used.

If you've got like a gut intuitive instinct that you feel like you're being used… Then often, something going on.

Now you have to check yourself right now. When you're feeling that you’re being used, you have to ask yourself, do I have logical reasons to believe this? Or is this just a feeling not based in facts? Sometimes feeling are just based on our childhood attachment trauma, it's patterns coming up and we need to be aware that it's just our body telling us something that's not real.

And if you're feeling that you have to look at the facts:

-- Is this person investing in you?

-- Are they reciprocating?

-- Do you feel like they really care about you and that they're giving their time, their energy, their emotions?

Maybe you have a really practical, logical friend that you can talk to and just lay it all out, say, this is what's going on… What do you think?

Get some outside perspective, especially if your emotions are all muddled, because even though emotions don't really have an IQ and they could be based on the past, it's still powerful and something that you should pay attention to, but stick to the facts….

-- Is this person actually reciprocating value?

-- Are they investing their time, their money, their emotional energy.

-- Are they trying their best to be a good partner?

If they are… well, then now's a good time to go to a therapist and work on some of those negative feelings that are plaguing you.

But if they're not and you're laying it all out and you're like, well, no, they're not doing these things that I expect them to do. Then you can have a conversation about it, but typically it's just not a good fit.

Now, on the other hand, if you do have someone who is integrating you into their life, where you're spending time, doing all sorts of things from going out on dates, to just hanging out together and spending some quality time together, to meeting his family in his social circle… Then you know that this is someone who is looking for a long term relationship. They're trying to bring you into their life. And when you feel that bond, you can reciprocate it and you can build a very powerful, loving, bonded relationship.

If you want to learn more signs about really understanding if a man is invested and committed, you're gonna wanna check out my premium membership Inside The Male Mind.

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